In Mourning...

Hey there...

OK - fine!!! Enough with the "Where's the Update?!" "Can't you Type!?" "It's TUESDAY already!?" complaining...

You know - it's not all about you... oh - you know who you are! LOL! I have been busy... I have been in Mourning!?

First... my Andre played incredibly to make it to his Saturday match... that was postponed due to Rain Delay... (Damn that Ernesto!!!!?!) So - that brings us to Sunday... of course- his match is when we have church... not gonna work?! So - I have my precious little one grab a tape and start to record... we leave for church... knowing that win or lose - we would miss it?! Church was great... honestly - just one of those services that your spirit is just screaming "Yes! And Amen!!!" We grabbed some lunch and came home to enjoy our taped Tennis match. Now - I am realistic... so I sort of prepared myself to see the whole Andre loses and gives a farewell speech deal... however - not only did that happen - but to make things worse... um... I MISSED IT?! Yeah - that's right... didn't tape... nada... nothing... zip... apparently my 'precious little one' forgot to REWIND the TAPE!??!?!? Ugh?! So - surely I can see the speech online, right?! Wrong... can't find it... didn't see it on the news... it's just OVER?! I did get to READ what he said - but still... I wanted to SEE it?! I wanted to feel the energy in the crowd and see his reaction and watch the lovefest officially come to an end... it was a sad day - and I missed it?!

AND THEN... well - THEN my friend (yeah - minus 'best' - whatever?!) Darcie (aka Phat Stacked Whitie) finally... I mean FINALLY People!? (Can I get an Amen!?) she FINALLY uploaded her pictures from our trip to Boise... oops - I mean - our trip to Ohio... NOW yes - Natalie... I DO have my own pictures... many are similar or the same... but I knew that there were a few that I wanted... so I HAVE my own pictures - which is why it is killing me to NOT scrap them yet... oh - and when she says that she SENT them to me... um - no - she did NOT... she UPLOADED them - so I still had to ORDER prints online from York or Shutterfly or whatever - not somewhere local, mind you... and so now - I wait... still... for them to process & show up!? So - if that was all there was... fine... I'll wait and scrap and we can all move along now... however - (I know?! Serves me right?!) Uh - there were a few good ones...however - there were about three or four HORRID shots... a couple of those candid non-posed shots and a few posed ones too... I mean... that shot you took of me falling asleep at the beach house could not have been much worse?!... Oh MY?! Have you ever gotten a glimpse of a picture of you or of your reflection in the mirror and you think, "Holy Crap!? That's not what I really look like is it?!" So... crap!... apparently, it is?! So - yes - forget Andre... (What happened to Andre!?) now it's all about me... and again - I am in mourning...

I wasted over half of my life thinking I was fat... even when I was modeling and skinny... when I was a size 3 and thought my fatness was just a creatively disguised secret... and even up through my wedding and marriage and new-motherhood... I slowly put hte weight on... it was like Self-fulfilled prophecy... terrible!? Crippling, really!? But I must say - that in the past few years, I know that God has been at work on me and has been delivering me from myself - and from my own insecurities and my own pride... I guess I had been so delivered of the negative train of thought that maybe I numbed myself to reality a tad... now, I am fast approaching 40 ("Someday" ~ When Harry Met Sally) and yet I have 'successfully' maintained this weight since the birth of my child... yes - that's right - I have been this size for 11 years now... doesn't seem to matter if I work out or don't... diet or don't... eat or don't... LOL!? I think I killed my Metabolism with my Teenage Eating Disorder and well - I am now praying for Resurrection power over my metabolism?! Yikes?! So - that was all on Sunday and Monday morning...

Monday afternoon we had coffee with friends and then had a family BBQ... then we came home and I was feeling 'Mourning' creeping in again... a nap seemed to be calling me - but I couldn't quite justify it... You know how when you are in a mood and you KNOW that it is not real... it is the enemy of your soul just TRYING to stir things up... well - my daughter and I went round and round... and the enemy began to whisper, "You're a terrible Mother... just not good enough... you're never going to make a difference with that one... not the way you mother!"... Hmmm!? OK... whatever?! Next...

You guessed it... my husband decided to help me out and began to clean the kitchen... only it goes beyond dishes and countertops... and he begins to pull out stacks of papers (I said PAPERS Corinna, not LAYOUTS! LOL!) and he was trying to make stacks of throw away stuff and things I would need to go through later... he never once complained about it... but the enemy whispered: "See?! You are not even a good wife... you stay home, for crying out loud - and you can't even keep the house clean... he's not happy with you... he's not satisfied..." Of course - that was an easy segway to torment me about how I 'really' look and my weight issues once again?! Ugh?! I knew from the beginning that it wasn't even real... it was merely an attack in the spiritual realm and I would not give in to it and give myself over to my emotions... I would not fight... and I would not cry... I would not invite this depression in to get comfy with me and set up camp! It took me a bit... but I shook it off and worked it out... but it was exhausting and time consuming, too!

So - whew?! So much for a nice long joyful holiday three day weekend?! I was so happy to get back to a schedule this morning! I was able to get my precious little one (yes - she is back to "Precious!") to school a bit early and go for a walk in the park... come home to change and go on to my Prayer meeting and get some groceries bought and put away... have healthier things chopped up and stored for snacking... bought nothing boxed, or processed... Anyway - I am happy to say that my Mourning period is over... I am moving on! I scrapped a sign for my new Scrapbook Link last night... well - I started it anyway?! I will finish it this week... and by then - my York photo's should arrive and I will have something to Scrapbook! (Finally!) Oh yeah - and you can BET that I will be SERIOUSLY Cropping!!! LOL! So... where's the pictures you ask!? Yeah - right?! Not gonna upload ANY today! Not gonna happen!?

Scrap Happy!
~Karrilee~